


5 Things Cass Thought Were Normal and 1 He Knew Was

by theyre_called_my_sandals



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, Abused Castiel (Supernatural), Abusive Metatron, Abusive Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Hates Himself, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I’m sorry, M/M, No Beta, Past Rape/Non-con, Scared Castiel (Supernatural), flinching, past abusive relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28820868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyre_called_my_sandals/pseuds/theyre_called_my_sandals
Summary: Castiel’s first real relationship was with Metatron. His second real one is with Dean Winchester, who teaches him that maybe Metatron wasn’t always right.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Metatron (Supernatural)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> might be good. might not be. i didn’t take the time to edit it so idk. enjoy.

#1

A cold December evening found two young (if you asked them) men huddling on a couch in front of a warm fireplace, hot chocolates in hand and soft Christmas music in the background as they talked.

Calm radiated throughout the room as Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak jokingly fought over which Star Wars trilogy was the best (Dean thinks the Originals are always the best in every circumstance, Castiel likes the Prequels).

Laughter filled the air as they called each other tasteless heathens

With a particularly enthusiastic gesture from Cass, his hot chocolate spilled all of the couch and Dean.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! Shit, fuck, I’ll fix it, fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Dean couldn’t even react before Cass ran away, returning shortly after with paper towels. He quickly wiped everything off the couch and threw away the dirty towels, still muttering desperate apologies.

When he was finished he stood in front of Dean with his head bowed, staring holes into the floor.

Dean stood in shock through the whole ordeal. After another moment he shook himself back to reality. 

He tentatively reached his hand out to cup the smaller man’s face, but quickly pulled back when this was met with a violent flinch. 

“Oh, Angel. I’m so sorry.” Dean whispered as he remembered.

_  
Dean and Cass had met when Cass came by Dean’s bar. It was a slow night, and they got to talking._

_It was hours past the bar’s closing time when they, the only two left, finally went their separate ways, but not before exchanging numbers._

_It was only a few days later when they began really learning about each other._

_They were both bi for one thing._

_Dean hadn’t dated since his last girlfriend moved and long distance failed. That was roughly a year ago and he simply hadn’t found anyone else._

_Cass had just recently gotten out of a relationship which he defined as “not so good.”_

_Some time later Dean would discover that “not so good” meant incredibly abusive. Dean was horrified to discover Cass considered all of it to be normal._

_They were talking about annoying habits their last partners had had. Dean’s girlfriend left stuff everywhere, making their apartment messy a lot of the time. Cass’s boyfriend, Metatron, had broken Cass’s arm and whenever he was annoyed at Cass, he would hit the cast. It took months longer than it should’ve to heal._

_Case said this like it was a joke, just a silly little thing that everyone could relate to. Dean thought he was gonna be sick._

_It didn’t take long for dean to discover that this was how their whole relationship had been.  
_

“Oh, Angel, I’m so sorry.”

Dean stepped forwards and wrapped Cass in a hug, taking his turn to mumble apology after apology.

After a few minutes Cass managed a soft “Dean?”

Dean pulled back but kept his arms on Cass’s, firm enough to be comforting but not tight enough to be confining.

“I-I’m sorry a-about the hot chocolate,” he said, voice barely above a whisper as his small frame shook with fear.

“Cass, no. You have nothing to be sorry for, it was an accident, okay?”

“You’re.......not mad?” 

“No, of course not. Come on, sit down, it’s all okay,” he soothed, leading Cass to the couch. “I’m gonna go change but I’ll be back, alright?”

Cass nodded. 

Dean changed as quickly as he could and raced back to the couch. He sat down next to Cass and pulled the smaller man backwards into his embrace, so that they were facing the same direction. 

They turned on a movie, some old Christmas Classic they’d seen a thousand times, and stayed like that. 

Dean couldn’t focus on the movie though. All that was running through his mind was how _terrified_ Cass had looked when he flinched away from Dean’s hand. 

“You know I’d never hit you, right?” Dean asked, almost without meaning to. 

Cass froze for a few moments too long before slowly nodding. Those few moments painfully twisted Dean’s heart.

“Cass, I’m never going to hurt you. I swear on my life, I would never do that, and I will personally fight anyone who tries to.” Dean sealed the statement with a kiss to Cass’s dark hair. 

Without looking away from the screen, Cass softly replied “You’d probably win.”

They both chuckled, and lapsed into silence once again. It only lasted for a few minutes before Dean thought of something else.

“Cass....” Dean had to stop for a moment. “You know you don’t deserve to be hurt, right? Like no matter what mistake you make, you know that it doesn’t warrant anyone laying a hand on you?”

Cass didn’t respond. If Cass’s previous silence had twisted Dean’s heart, then this one shattered it. He vowed revenge on the man that did this to his angel of a boyfriend. 

“Cass. No one is ever supposed to hurt you. I’m so sorry they taught you that that’s not true, but I promise it is. I’m never gonnna hurt you and I’m never gonna let anyone else do anything either. I promise. I-“ he takes a deep breath. “I love you Cass.”

Silence.

And then, a very soft, a very quiet, “I love you too Dean.”

Dean smiled and tighter tightened his grip around Cass’s stomach for a second, kissing the back of his head again, before loosening then once again and smiling.

“Someday you’re gonna see yourself the way I see you Cass. I’ll make sure of it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *second chapter noises*

#2

Dean was out of town. He had to go meet up with one of his suppliers to settle their deal for the new year. which meant Cass was stuck at the house all week.

Sure, he had his cat, but he was bored. And lonely. And his job, a history professor at a nearby university, was closed for winter break. 

It was roughly noon on Friday, and Cass had been home all day when his phone rang. It was his brother, Gabriel. He hesitated before answering.

“Hey, Gabe,” he said, quietly as if Metatron was still around to get mad at him.

Metatron hadn’t liked Gabriel. He hadn’t fallen for Metatron’s charisma, and often ~~begged~~ tried to convince Castiel to break up with him.

“Hey Cassie!” Cas rolled his eyes at the nick name. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Uhhh nothing I don’t think,” Cass replied, knots already forming in his stomach.

“Perfect, I’ll pick you up at 7. See ya then Cassie!”

Gabe purposefully hung up before Cass could reply, not wanting to hear any excuses.

Cass sighed; he was stuck now.

He looked at his phone again, knowing what he had to do. He put it down. Oh God this wasn’t good. Fuck.

He picked it up again, trying not to cry. God, he really didn’t want to fight with Dean right now.

He pressed on Dean’s contact and bit his lip as it rang. 

“Hey Angel, how’s it going?” He sounded so happy, Cass hated that he was as about to ruin it. 

“Uhh it-it’s going good? how about for you?”

“Good....? Is everything alright?” Shit. Dean could tell something was wrong. Oh fuck he’s gonna be so mad.

“I um, I- my brother called.”

“Okay? I thought you liked your brother?”

“I- I do, it’s just, um,” Cass took a dee breath, “he asked me if I wanted to go out tonight and I was wondering if that would be okay with you but I totally get it if not, you know what you probably don’t want me to, I’m so sorry for even asking, sorry for calling-“ 

“Woah, woah, woah, Cass calm down. Calm down. It’s okay, it’s all okay. What’d you say? Your brother wants you to go somewhere with him?”

“Uh y-yeah. He did.” 

“And you thought you needed to ask my permission? Wait- Cass have you gone out at all this week?”

“Well, I-“ Embarrassment flooded through Cass. He already regretted asking,

“Cass.” He sounded so....sad? That couldn’t be right. Why would he be sad? “Cass you- you don’t have to ask me permission to go out with your brother. You don’t have to ask me for permission to do anything Cass. You’re your own person, I’m not in charge of you.” He was definitely sad. 

“Oh. Well- I- uh- sorry.”

Dean let out a sigh “Cass, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s not your fault, it’s his.” Cass’s relief turned to fear once again; Dean _was_ mad. “Metatron’s, of course, not your brother. Obviously,” he continued after a pause.

Oh. Right. That makes more sense. Deans a good person. He’s not like Metatron. Cass just needed to get used to good people. 

“Cass, listen we can talk about this more later, I have to go, but you can do whatever you want, you never have to ask me, okay?”

“Okay,” Cass whispered.

“Alright, I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

His phone beeped as Dean ended the call.

Cass texted his brother that he was good to go. He got ready, and waited. 

“Hey Cassie”

Cass rolled his eyes as he climbed into his brothers car, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Hello my darling brother.”

“Awwww you do love me,” Gabriel teased. “For real though, long time no see. We haven’t hung out since you and Dean got together, is everything alright with him?” The older man’s voice turned serious.

Cass thought for a moment. “Yeah- Yes. I think it is.” Cass smiled as Gabe put the car into drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you comment then i will possess your teachers and make all of them give you a homework pass


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to get out as many of these chapters as I can before I lose all motivation, and therefor: this was not edited, sorry

#3

Cass hated the song “Back in Black” by AC/DC.

Well maybe “hate” wasn’t the right word.

It had been his brother’s, Micheal’s, favorite song. After Micheal’s death Cass several years ago, he couldn’t stand to hear it anymore. He still leaves the room (whenever possible) if it comes on. 

When forced to hear it, too many painful memories came to the surface. 

It was Metatron’s favorite, (Cass somethings thought it was only his favorite because he loved making Cass miserable) and he loved playing it during times when Cass couldn’t leave. He loved the way Cass would struggle not to cry, and he loved mocking him for it later. He loved calling Cass selfish for trying to ruin his favorite song.

The constant playing of this song was one of the ways Cass learned that he didn’t get to have an opinion. 

And now Dean was playing it. He played it all the time, it was one of his all time favorites. 

Dean, of course, didn’t know, but Cass didn’t think it would matter either way.

Plus, Dean was so happy singing along as they made their way in his precious car (“Baby, Cass.” “Shouldn’t I be your baby?” “How dare you! You’re my Angel, this is Baby!” “Stop jacking off to your car.” “Just because you can’t appreciate her doesn’t mean I won’t” “Oh yeah, you sure know how to ‘appreciate’ her.” “Okay, now you went and made it weird, Cass.”) into the nearby city, so who was Cass to ruin that?

Cass didn’t get an opinion. He didn’t deserve one.

But Dean, being himself, knew something was wrong and shut off the song so they could talk.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Cass said, flashing a grin that didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. 

“No it isn’t, what’s up?”

“Nothing, really, I’m good.”

“Yeah...okay. We’re pretty close to the city, where do you wanna go first?”

Cass sighed in relief, if he could just keep the conversation going maybe Dean wouldn’t turn the song back on. “Hmmm, I don’t know. What do you think?” Cass really wanted to see a new muesme exhibit but he knew by now that that would bore Dean. 

“Hmm, we could get an early lunch? Are you in the mood for anything?”

 _Mexican_ “No, not really, I could go for anything.”

“Helpful.”

“Sorry.”

“Come on, really, what are you in the mood for?”

Cass made a quick pros and cons list in his head. On one hand, Mexican wasn’t exactly a huge demand. On the other, if he asked to do one thing then Dean might get really mad if he also asked to go the museum. The last thing he wanted to do was make Dean mad. 

Dean interrupted his internal monologue, “Hello? Earth to Cass?”

“Oh, uh, right. Sorry. Um, Mexican? I guess? Sounds kinda good right now? I don’t really care though,” Cassie cringed. So much for the museum.

“Oh, man, Mexican sounds awesome right about now, there’s this cool place my friend recommended to me near the bay, I’m pretty sure there’s even a free parking lot right near it!”

“Y-yeah, sounds good,” Cass smiled at Dean. Maybe if he paid at the restaurant he could still ask about the museum without seeming too demanding. 

Dean reached to turn the music back on-

“I can’t believe you would leave ‘Baby’ in a free parking lot though. How will she ever survive without guards?” Case mocked before he could stop himself.

Dean took his hand away from the cassette player and used it to point in Cass’s face, thankfully missing Cass’s flinch. “Alright pretty boy, listen-“

Case smiled. They ‘fought’ the rest of the way into the city.

When they got to the restaurant they were still playfully scowling at each other. 

Everything was fine until their food came.

Right as Cass bit down on his taco that song- _that fucking song-_ started playing. 

Time slowed down, he didn’t know where he was. He was distantly aware that he was breathing heavily and that Dean was looking at him concerned. His ears were ringing. Dean was saying something. He nodded, that seemed like the right thing to do. 

Dean was next to him, touching him. They were walking and then they were outside and Cass was on the ground and suddenly he was thrown back into reality. 

He was sitting down outside the restaurant, curled up with his knees to his chest and his back to the wall. He could feel that he had been crying. Dean was kneeling in front of him looking scared out of his mind

_Fuck_

He made eye contact with Dean, who looked so relieved that Cass appeared to be semi-coherent again. 

Cass quickly wiped his face free of tears.

“S-sorry, I-I don’t know what I- what just happened, I. Um. Fuck. Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay, deep breaths,” Dean sat down besides Cass and tentatively pulled the smaller man into a somewhat awkward side hug. “You don’t have to apologize, it’s fine.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, that was probably so embarrassing for you, I didn’t mean to, I-I promise I didn’t mean to, it w-won’t happen again Dean I promise I’m so sor-“

“Cass!” Dean snapped, causing the aforementioned man to stop talking and violently flinch.”Cass,” he repeated, much softer this time. “You think i care that you ‘embarrassed’ me? I was _worried,_ I would never be mad at you for something life that.” 

“Sorry.” Case whispered again.

“Hey now Angel, no more of that. Now I’m no expert but that seemed like a panic attack. Have you ever had ine of those before?”

Cass nodded.

“Okay Angel, do you know what might’ve caused it?”

Cass didn’t react for a minute. He couldn’t tell the truth: Dean would think he was faking it; Cass had listened to it with Dean a hundred times and been fine. 

But Cass wasn’t in the right headspace to lie.

“That song- it uh. It was my brother’s favorite before he, uh, before he died.” Cass paused for a moment. “It uh, it just brings back a lot of memories. I don’t like hearing it I guess.”

Casa tensed up waiting for Dean’s response. Yelling? Punching? Laughing?

“That’s an understatement,” Dean said, with a bit of humor gracing his voice. 

Case let out a soft chuckle too. 

“Cass.” Dean’s voice was suddenly serious. “That song- I play it all the time.” Cass tensed up, waiting to hear Dean call him a liar or an attention whore or- Dean interrupted before he could spiral too far. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounded so sad again. 

“I didn’t think you’d care,” Cass all but whispered. 

“You didn’t think I’d- Cass! Cass look at me!” Case sat up and turned around, head bowed. Dean put a hand under his chin to force eye contact, noticing but not addressing the flinch. “Cass of _course_ I care! How could you even think-“ He cut himself off before he said anything too harsh. “I love you. I never want to be the reason you’re hurting. If I knew then I never would’ve played it.” Cass opened his mouth to reply, but Dean cut him off, “And don’t you dare tell me you thought some shitty screamo song was more important to me than you.”

Cass’s silence spoke volumes.

Dean pulled him back into a hug, muttering soft apologies. 

They stayed like that until a new car pulled into the parking lot and they remembered they were visible to the rest of the world. Dean sent Cass to the car while he went to pay for their food, which they ate, lukewarm, in Baby. 

Once they both finished, Dean wouldn’t let them go anywhere unless Cass chose. 

It was clear to Dean that no one had ever shown Cass they cared about his opinion, and he fully intended to be the one to change that.

Cass swore he didn’t care until he finally gave up and told Dean about the museum exhibit.

“Perfect.” Dean put the car into drive.

“I thought you said we’d walk?”

“And leave Baby in _this_ parking lot? Are you crazy? No way.”

Cass laughed as they pulled out of the parking lot.

Many hours later and Dean was driving them home, as Cass pretended not to be falling asleep in the passengers seat. Dean vowed to himself that he would teach Cass the value of his input. Maybe the man didn’t think his opinion was worth anything now, but he would. Dean would make sure of it.

And many weeks later when they had a fire going in Dean’s backyard, he casually threw his Back In Black cassette into the fire, smiling at Cass’s confused but appreciative face. This night was a good one. And whatever else happened, Dean knew (and Cass hoped) that everything was going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you better comment. i may not know where you live but i sure as hell know where you’ll die.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay ik im late to this but i finally finished season 15 today. holy shit. am i just supposed to be okay after that?!?!?!?!?? what the fuck. what the FUCK?!?!?!?? how am i just supposed to go on with my life after ~that~?!?!??

#4

“Hey Angel, any interest in going out to breakfast tomorrow?” Dean asked. Cass was sitting on his recliner reading as Dean laid on the couch tossing up and catching a ball.

“I wish, I have a meeting with my landlord.”

Dean heard Cass shuffling around to find his phone so that he could show Dean proof. Dean refused to look up, hoping Cass would take it as a sign that Dean trusted him. 

“Oh, what for? Has Cassie been a bad boy?” Dean pretended to gasp.

“I never should’ve let you meet my brother,” Cass said. “And no, I need to renew my lease for the year, it expires at the end of the month.”

“Awwww screw that, that’s boring and lame. I’m much more fun,” Dean whined, smiling up at Cass’s amused face.

“As fun as you are, I do, unfortunately, need a place to live.”

“Just move in with me,” Dean said without thinking.

They both froze for a second. 

They had been dating for around a year and a half at this point, and it was extremely rare that they didn’t sleep together at one of their places. If they were to move in together then it would, logically, be at Deans house (more of a cottage really, inherited from some random uncle he barely knew), rather than Cass’s apartment. 

So what was stopping them?

Nothing.

“Actually,” Dean sat up, “why don’t you move in with me?” Dean was getting really excited now. “It’d be so fun! We practically live together anyway, so why not? You know I’ve been wanting to redecorate so we could redo the whole place together to really make it _our_ house. Plus we have till the end of the month to figure out how this would work since we both have a lot of stuff and-“ Dean looking up tem the first time to see Cass smiling at him. “What?” “You’re cute when you’re excited” Dean mockingly scowled at him but it quickly faded into a grin. “So what do you say?”

“I-uh- yeah. Yeah that sounds great,” Cass smiled. “You know I still can’t go to breakfast though, right?”

“So you hate me, that’s what you’re saying?” Dean asked, huge teasing gracing his face.

A few weeks later found them in _their_ house. It was heavan. Or at least that’s what Dean thought for the first few weeks. 

It didn’t take much longer for him to realize something was wrong. Very wrong. 

For one thing, the house was spotless. Not that him or Cass were ridiculously messy people, but the house was almost sterile. It wasn’t Dean’s doing, which meant Cass was obsessively cleaning.

And Cass was making 3 meals a day for both of them. 

And Cass was leaving their room after nightmares so he could cry without disturbing Dean.

And Cass was doing anything to avoid bothering Dean.

And Cass was working himself into the ground.

And Cass needed help.

And Dean knew it. 

And Dean didn’t know how to help.

It was around 3am on a Saturday, and Dean woke up to an empty bed. Again. He steeled himself. Tonight was the night he would face his boyfriend.

Dean slid out of bed, and silently made his away to their living room. The sight before him broke his heart. Cass was curled up in a ball on the couch, fist in his mouth to prevent the sobs wracking his small ( _too small, had Cass bean eating?_ ) frame from making a sound. 

“Cass?” Dean whispered, hands up in a surrender gesture. He cringed at the way Cass nearly jumped out of his skin. “Woah, sorrry sorry, it’s just me,” he soothed.

Cass quickly wiped his face and smiled softly: “Hey, sorry, did I wake you up?” 

“Cass...” Dean sighed and sat down next to his boyfriend. 

“I’m fine Dean,” Cass said with a smile that wouldn't have fooled a blind man.

“Cass-“ Dean started. 

“I’m sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry Dean.” He rushed out. Dean opened his mouth to say something but was cut off my his near hysterical boyfriend. “I can’t believe you’ve put up with me for this long, I was trying so hard, but-“ and his voice took on a bitter quality here-“ I guess I never could do anything right,” a broken laugh escaped his throat, before his voice went more back to panicked than bitter. “And now you’re _here_ at 3am, instead of sleeping, because of me and how fucking pathetic I am, and I-“

Strong arms and a sculpted chest cut him off as they crashed into him, gripping him tight, as though he would vanish if they weren’t in contact with him. Cass didn’t return the hug.

“Don’t you dare say that, don’t you ever say that,” Dean harshly whispered, not loosening his grip. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for: nothing. You’re amazing. I’m not ‘putting up with you,’” Dean spat out. “I love you, Cass. I’m always going to love you. I’m not going to love you less because you don’t clean every surface in the house every day, or because you don’t make a fancy dinner every night. I don’t even _want_ you to do those things! All I want is to be here with you and for you to be happy. That’s it. I don’t know what it was like when you were living with that bastard, but it’s not like that anymore. It will never be like that. Not here. You don’t owe me anything, you don’t have to earn the right to live in your own house, because that’s what this is. You’re not living with me, _we’re_ living _together._ In _our_ house. We’re a team, Cass. I love you. Don’t ever talk about yourself like that, it’s not true. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, _please_ don’t talk about yourself like that. I need you, Cass. I love you.” He was still whispering with more intensity than he ever had, arms still tight around his boyfriend.

At some point Cass had wrapped his arms loosely, almost timidly, around Dean and started crying again. Dean pulled Cass back and positioned them so that they were lying down on the couch, Cass theoretically next to, but practically on top of Dean. Dean loosened his grip the tiniest bit. It was still secure, but more comforting and less desperate. 

“I’m sorry Dean,” Cass whispered, voice cracking.

“Shhh shhh you don’t have anything to be sorry for angel. I’m sorry. I knew something was wrong and I should’ve done something earlier.”

“It’s not your job-“

“Yes it is. Yes it is, Cass. Of course it’s my job to take care of you. I love you.”

“That’s all I was trying to do. Take care of you. And then the more I did, it kept reminding me of _him,_ and everything I had to do for him. And it just kept getting worse and I couldn’t stop and eventually I couldn’t tell if I was helping you or just obeying him and I-“ he paused and began again at a much slower pace, “I just got lost in it all. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, now, you don’t have a single thing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault, angel.” Dean rubbed soft circles on Cass’s arm as he felt his heart break for his sweet boyfriend. He definitely wasn’t crying though. No, Dean Winchester didn’t cry. 

Cass shifted and suddenly his bones were digging into Dean’s side. Dran furrowed his brown in concern, trying to get a good look at his boyfriend. The man was definitely smaller than he had been. 

Dean pulled Cass up in one smooth movement, carrying him bridal style to the kitchen, and sitting him down in a chair at the bar. 

“Dean what’re you doing?” Cass sounded exhausted. 

“I’m cooking for you.” 

“At this time?” 

“You haven’t been eating enough. And pancakes don’t live by the rules of man,” he added with a wink. 

Cass smiled softly. 

Dean made them from scratch, brewing Cass’s favorite tea too. 

They talked as they Dean worked, keeping it light hearted. They didn’t need to talk about what drove them to eating pancakes at what was now 4am. They talked about what color to paint the bathroom and whether they should screen-in the porch. 

It was only later, when they were laying on the couch once more, dishes unwashed in the kitchen, that they talked for real. 

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself angel.” 

“...” 

“You can’t. And even if you could, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy.” 

“It doesn’t feel like it,” Cass said softly. 

“Not yet, but you’ll get there someday my love. For now? Just try to take care of yourself. Please.” 

“I-I’ll try.” 

“Thank you.” 

And they did try, both of them. Cass forced himself to relax more often, and Dean picked up the slack. Cass tried to think more positive thoughts about himself (with a lot of help from a boyfriend who only saw the best parts of him), and Dean always went to get him when he left the room after a nightmare. Eventually he stopped leaving. 

Things weren’t exactly good. 

Cass had more than one panic attack when Dean came home to unwashed dishes or any sort of mess. 

And Cass still tended to do everything around the house before Dean got the chance to tell him he didn’t have to. 

So no, by most standards things weren’t good. But damn if they weren’t better. 

Cass started curling into Dean’s side after nightmares, instead of running away from him. He started relaxing at night, instead of planning out everything he had to do the next day. And one night Dean comes home to find that that Cass had actually left stuff out and gone to bed with it like that. Maybe some part of his brain recognized how strange it was to be proud of his boyfriend for being messy, but he was. 

Dean crawled into bed that night with a giant smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fourteenth century witch voice*: comment or succumb to the black plague


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh sorry this took forever! i honestly didn’t know if i would ever keep this going but i was reading some of your comments and i know this is kinda dumb but they make me really happy so i ended ended up finally starting this again.

Cass got home late for the first time in- well. Forever. 

Dean had been encouraging him to get back the social life Metatron had stolen from him, and Cass had slowly gotten back in touch with his old friends.

It was going well. They all knew he hadn’t cut them off by choice, and there was no awkward forgiveness period.

No, the awkwardness only came when they met Dean, but even then it didn’t last long. Dean had been funny and sweet and so nervous that they could almost immediately tell he was nothing like Metatron.

“That bastard,” as Dean had dubbed him, had been abrasive and loud when he met Cass’s friends for the first of very few times. Dean was practically shaking and barely spoke for the first hour before he started to loosen up. And once he did, they all loved him (not that that love stopped the threats of murder if he ever even thought about hurting Cass the moment the dark-haired man went to the bathroom). 

And so, with the approval Dean swore Cass didn’t need, he started seeing them more. 

So yeah, he had had a late night. And it was amazing. But now he was in the sick stage between drunk and hungover, and Dean would be working at the bar for another couple hours. Cass passed out on the couch. 

Dean came home from his bar very late, and was surprised to find his boyfriend passed out on the couch. He looked adorable, curled up in a ball with his hair all messed up. 

He also looked like he wouldn’t be able to move his neck in the morning if Dean didn’t move him. 

With a tired smile Dean dropped his bag and made his way over to the couch, trying not to be too loud. His goal was to put Cass in bed without waking him up. 

Up close, however, he realized Cass was really sweaty- almost feverish. He realize it wouldn’t be a good idea to let him sleep in these clothes.

“Hey, Cass?” he whispered, shaking him slightly. Casa groaned a little but didn’t respond. “Cass?” Cass just rolled away from him, groaning again. 

_Alright, he’s not nearly sober enough to do this himself,_ Dean realized, moving to pick him pu. Class weakly struggled in his arms as Dean moved him towards the bedroom, making Dean tighten his grip so that he didn’t drop him, which only made Cass struggle more. “Cass, baby, chill out,” Dean whispered as he finally got into the bedroom and awkwardly let go of Cass’s writhing form, setting him down on the bed. Dean decided against flicking the lights on, knowing from experience how much it would hurt his boyfriend. He knelt to take off one of Cass’s shoes and was promptly kicked in the face, making him fall back onto the ground. _Damn he has a hard kick,_ Dean thought, putting a hand to his cheek where he hoped a bruise wouldn’t form.

Standing up, Dean decided that maybe Cass needed to sober up slightly before he tried again. He quickly grabbed a cold watter bottle out of the fridge and rushed back to his severely disoriented boyfriend. With great difficulty he got Cass to take a few sips, which woke him up slightly, but his head was still clearly somewhere else.

Dean decided to try again to get his shoes off.

“I don’t want to,” Cass whined. 

“I know, but you have to,” Dean laughed, finally managing to pull one shoe off. 

“But you...you said you wouldn’t...” Cass never finished the sentence, leaving Dean completely confused as he took off his boyfriends second shoe.

The man in question began taking off his own coat, much to Dean’s relief, as sweat was trickling down his cheek. If he hadn’t worked in a bar and seen worse than this nightly, he would’ve thought he Cass needed to see a doctor.

Cass got his coat off, and began fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. Dean kneeled down to help him, and Cass made no protest. 

_Thank God he’s lucid enough not to fight me now._

Dean undid the last button and Cass peeled the shirt off his skin and onto the floor, before sliding his pants off. 

“There you go angel,” Dean said, undressing himself down to his boxers as well, before leaving the room to get himself a water an to turn the A.C. up so Cass didn’t overheat. He also grabbed an aspirin to leave on the bedside table for morning. 

He left both on the table and was reaching into his dresser for a set of sweats to throw on when he became aware of Cass’s heavy breathing. Looking over, Cass was curled up on the bed, breathing heavy and rocking back and forth. Dean thought he might’ve been crying, but he couldn’t tell in the dark and he didn’t want to blind Cass by turning on the light. 

“Cass?” He asked, tentative.

“I don’t want- You promised-“ he gasped out.

Dean slowly walked over to him, standing in front of where Cass sat on the bed. “Cass?” He asked again, getting seriously worried now. 

Cass seemed to be forcing himself to calm down, choking his tears back. Dean heard him take a few deep but shaky breaths. He then clumsily reached his hands out to Dean’s boxers and tried to pull them down, his breathing picking up again. 

_Oh._

_Oh shit._

Dean backed away and out of the room, mind simultaneously going blank and a thousand miles an hour.

Cass....Cass had thought that he...that he was gonna....

Even in his own mind, Dean couldn’t force himself to complete the sentence. He could replay the scene from the bedroom in his mind though, and realized how monumentally _stupid_ he had been. What the fuck was wrong with him?

It took a long time for Dean to calm himself down enough to go back into the room, where he found Cass passed out on top of the covers. 

Daring not to wake him, Dean went to sleep on the couch. He wondered if he should’ve just left Cass there. Probably would’ve been less damaging than making him think that Dean was gonna-

Nope. Dean couldn’t think about that. 

It was a long time before he managed to fall asleep. 

Dean woke up late, all parts of his neck and back aching. He was too old for sleeping on the couch. Maybe he should talk to Cass about making a guest room. Cass. Shit.

All at once, the events of the previous night came rushing back to him. 

He sat up and practically ran to their bedroom, but paused right outside the door. What was he supposed to do? He had no idea what state Cass would be in.

He decided to knock, very softly. There was no response. He knocked slightly louder and still got nothing. He timidly opened the door a crack, peeking inside, finding Cass sitting up on the bed, fully clothed again, facing away from him. 

Dean became aware that he himself was still only in his boxers. Awkward. He cleared his throat, and Cass spun around, eyes focusing on him. 

Dean felt like a deer in headlights. “Hi,” he whispered, voice cracking a little. He pointed at the dresser, and slowly moved towards where a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt sat on top of it. He grabbed them and backed up towards the door again before quickly covering himself. Cass didn’t move or talk.

“Um. Are- are you feeling better?” Dean asked. “I left aspirin.” He could feel how uncharacteristically quiet he was being. 

“Yeah, I’m fine now. Thanks.” Cass replied, voice even quieter than Dean’s but that was normal for the smaller man. 

“So. Uhhh. Breakfast?” Dean asked awkwardly. He wondered how much Cass remembered. Judging from how awkward things were, it was probably everything. Dean couldn’t believe he had fucked up the best thing in his life. 

Cass shrugged noncommittally, which Dean took as his que to exit. 

He slowly made his way on shakey legs to sit down at the kitchen table. Head in his hands, he began to sob as quietly as he could manage. He sobbed until he couldn’t anymore, letting himself feel every inch of heartbreak and self-loathing. 

Then he made breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, tea, waffles, eggs, and anything else he could think of. Half of it was cold and he was running out of table room by the time Cass showed up, sitting at the table and not looking up from his lap. 

Dean sighed. He couldn’t put this off forever. He slowly, hand shaking, gave Cass a plate before sitting down across from the man he loved. The man who couldn’t even look at him anymore. Dean didn’t think he could look at himself either.

_Why the fuck did I make breakfast? Like that’s gonna fix anything. I’m such an idiot._

Dean made himself a plate. He took a bite. It was flavorless and made him gag. He took another.

“Cass....” Dean started after forever. He looked up at the other man to see his eyes were red rimmed. He doubted he looked any better. 

“I’m sorry,” Cass said quickly. 

Dean look at him, incredulously. _He_ was sorry? “No, Cass. I’m sorry, I- I’m so fucking sorry-“ Dean was forced to cut himself off before he started crying again. 

“For what?” Cass asked, sounding genuinely perplexed. 

“For....for...fuck.” Dean didn’t even know what to say. Is there a way to make up for accidentally convincing your abused boyfriend that you’re gonna rape them? “I...I wasn’t thinking. You were really sweaty so I was trying to undress you so that you wouldn’t overheat and I wasn’t even thinking and I was being so fucking _stupid,_ but I swear I didn’t mean to....I mean I wouldn’t never...” Dean trailed off again, looking desperately at Cass. 

“It’s fine, Dean.” Dean looked up in shock. “Even if you were it’s not like it matters,” he whispered. 

Dean was at a loss for words. “Cass,” he whispered, horrified. “Cass....I...” What is he supposed to say to that? “Of _course_ it matters! It....Cass, no one should ever- I would never- you don’t deserve-“ Dean found himself wholly incapable of finishing a single sentence. “I’m so sorry,” he finished.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for Dean,” Cass whispered after a long pause. “You didn’t know, and you weren’t trying to, and besides-“

“Cass I swear to God if you imply you deserve anything remotely like that...” “But-“ “No buts Cass!” Dean paused for a moment before removing the edge from his voice and replacing it with a gentle conviction. “Cass, nobody should ever do that, and I’m _so_ sorry that I haven’t proved to you that I’m not like that, and I’m sorry for handling it like such an ass last night. You deserve better than that. Better than me.”

Cass took a sharp breath in. “Please don’t...please don’t leave me, I’m sorry, I’ll be better, I do trust you and I know you’re not a bad person, I was just drunk and I didn’t even really know what was happening, I’m so sorry-“

“Cass.” Dean said, quiet but firm. “Cass you have nothing to be sorry for. Last night was on anyone but you. Blame me, the alcohol, your ex, anyone but yourself. You did nothing wrong.”

“I hurt you.”

“No, I hurt you.”

“Your face says otherwise,” Cass retorted softly. Dean cringed, he forgot about the kick he received. 

“Doesn’t count, you were drunk.”

“So was he, some of the times.”

“That’s completely different-“

“How so? I hurt you, I’m no better than him-“

“Cass. You accidentally kicked me in self defense. I shouldn’t have tried to take your shoes off without telling you, especially when you were so out of it. That’s a bit different from attacking me in a drunken rage.”

Cass didn’t respond for a minute. 

“You know I’m right.” Dean’s statement was met with more silence for another long minute.

“So...you’re not leaving?” Dean wanted to scream at how hopeful yet afraid he sounded.

“No, Cass, I’m not. Honestly I’m shocked you don’t want to leave,” he said, scanning Cass’s face for a reaction. 

“Never.” 

“Then neither am I. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

It was a long time before they got up from that breakfast table. They had a lot more to talk about. But at least now they knew they were facing the problem together. They were a team. 

And if this couldn’t change that, then nothing could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! sorry if this was bad or awkward or out of character. comments are loved and appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it. you’re legally required to comment.


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